Success in the Industry

Heading into the downwards emotional spiral that is launching a new Kickstarter (check out Familiars of Terra it’s awesome!) I’ve thought a lot about success and what it means to me. Two years ago my answer would be very different than it is today and if I am honest that is because of a few life changing moments I had last year. Most of them sad and one very happy. I wanted to share this with you today, because I feel it’s relevant to our industry. So many people struggle to be a ‘success’ in the role play world and as the industry itself fights to become more legitimized (at least in the eyes of mainstream society) this topic will become more and more relevant.

Like many millennial gamers I grew up playing D&D and World of Darkness. I wrote extensive, and terrible, fanfiction about these games and being published by one of them seemed a distant possibility far beyond the means of an derpy Asian/Italian expat in England/the Netherlands with no ties to the American RPG holy-land. Flash forward to now and I’ve written for WoTC and for OPP (which is WoD-adjacent enough to satisfy my teen self), but like the ever expanding goldfish in the proverbial bowl my goals grew.

Once I launched WITCH to what I viewed then as a great success, doors started opening for me. I was invited to join the IGDN, I was asked to freelance (more importantly I figured out how to find places to apply for freelancing), and I made industry friends. It was amazing.

But after that whirlwind the existential dread of ‘being successful’ sunk in. Lucky for me (coughs) my dread is often not paralyzing, but frantic and obsessive. So, I started to freelance more. I literally said yes to every job that came my way and applied for whatever I could – because I was so terrified I would never be successful.

This was compounded by the sometimes toxic community we have as roleplayers. I remember one review of WITCH came in and the reviewer managed to mention within one sentence how great it was so see people like me (I’m guessing female asians?) start in the industry, but how disappointed they were with my book–hoping that it would be more. Then mentioned it a few more times to make sure the point was driven home. I remember reading the review and thinking their criticisms of my work were totally valid, but also being enraged.

Was I the new voice for every womanasianwhatnot and did I fail all of us who are ‘other’ because someone thought my book was shitty? The review simultaneously made me feel like no one and the voice for everyone at the same time. Oh god, what did I do? Where could I find another more talented asian to make this right?!

In response to this and other instances, I just worked more. I repeated the mantra in my head “Head down, get experience, take feedback, bounce back from feedback, make yourself better. Do better. Be better.” I worked every weekend, every evening, and every second in the weekday I could.

Then one of my dearest friend’s died. It was tragic, all together sudden and all together expected. She was one of the most amazing people I knew and because I was so busy over the last year we’d only managed to see each other twice and lived our friendship through texts.

This was the second death in my ‘family’ that year and it hit me. Hard. I was so angry. Angry at the industry, the projects I worked on, but mostly myself. Why couldn’t I be talented enough to make it? To be a success? Would I have to work this hard my entire life and miss these utterly important moments because I am an idiot?

Digging out of that pit and flash forwarding to the end of 2017 and my sister-in-law gets pregnant! I was going to be an aunt! I’ve been ready to be an aunt nearly my whole life. I’ve had such an image of how it would be – cigarette carefully balanced between my fingers, bulky colourful earrings, sunglasses, bright scarf, telling my precious nibling what it was like when I was their age and then teaching them to open a beer bottle with a lighter. My time had come!

Again, it was a moment of reflection. In that moment I was truly and utterly happy. And it made me realize something–no matter how many books I write they will never make me as happy as hearing I was going to be an aunt. Writing, the role play industry, just wasn’t that important.

I thought about the family I lost, the family I would gain, and sitting at home I came to a profound life realization. Fuck success, life is too short.

This realization was the antithesis of everything I was taught when I was younger. Everything I thought I wanted to be, when in actuality I realized – all I want to be is happy. And working myself to the point of a breakdown would never do that for me. I made a resolution then and there to stop working so goddamn much. In the end no one is going to remember you because you worked on the weekend.

This moment of pause also allowed me to take stock of everything I’d done over the past few years and actually enjoy my success so far professionally. No, my company wasn’t making hundreds of thousands of euros, I still work a part-time job, I’m pretty sure most RPGers don’t know my name, anddddd I’m still waiting for a lot of what I’ve written for to be published. But damn, I made some really cool stuff.

Working hard doesn’t mean overworking yourself. Now, when I take on projects I make sure I have time for them alongside having a life separate from my work. It seems like an easy distinction to make, but it’s hard to learn in an industry where work can still be considered your ‘hobby’. Luckily my struggle is a happy one, as I simultaneously fight for my real-world free time and to keep working on amazing projects set in far off lands.

So, as auntie Liz I’d like to offer you some advice. (Cue the cool lights, whiskey voice, colourful shawl, and cat)

If working in RPGs is making you miserable. If trying to break into the RPG industry just feels overwhelming and depressing. Please, stop.

For just the briefest moment stop and think about what whats you happy. Not what will make you happy when you’re a HUGE success, but what makes you happy here and now. Being the success that you already are :). Then, please do more of that! Creativity starts with self care and no one can do that for you, but you.

Success will come, make sure you enjoy yourself along the way.

And just in case you were wondering: